Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
