You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
