It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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