I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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