i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
