I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
jump out the window naked night went bad
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