You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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