I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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