theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
