My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
