she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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