the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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