I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
