i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
