my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
