Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
