just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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