I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
