John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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