Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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