so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
