Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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