Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
