I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
