Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
