My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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