oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
