I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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