the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
