two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
