He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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