I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Congratulations! We have a period
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
