At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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