Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
