you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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