sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
