it's not cheating when I paid for it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
