in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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