Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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