Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
