Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
