Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
