he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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