So drunk, too bad you don't want this
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
