My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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