I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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