Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
