i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
