Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
