Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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