This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
