Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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