Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize