Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
ok first of all what the fuck
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
