nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just invented taco cereal.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
