What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
