why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
