I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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