wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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