Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize