I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Holy sore nipples Batman
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
