I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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