I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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