Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
