There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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