True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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