if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
