I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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