The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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